When He Pulls Away Give Him Space
When He Pulls Away Give Him Space – So…your partner suddenly acts like you’re the last thing on his mind, huh? Already there, recognize that feeling. But before you panic, know that there are a number of reasons why men (and women!) stay away – and they’re not all bad. And there’s actually a lot you can do when this annoying (but often avoidable) situation occurs.
But let’s back up for a second: Space is healthy, and EVERYONE needs it in order to continue to explore themselves and maintain their individuality and life outside of their relationship. Does that mean visiting your family without bringing your S.O. or going out on a Saturday night with just your girls, that time is necessary for healthy bonds to grow. (Instead, you risk an unhealthy codependent relationship.)
When He Pulls Away Give Him Space
That said, space feels like the worst thing in the world when your partner initiates it and you…well, don’t. This is a vicious cycle: they pull away, you – wonder why – try to reel them in closer, then they pull away again … repeat, repeat. (Sounds familiar?)
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You have every right to feel worried when someone starts acting strange or different from their usual self. Say they’re suddenly spending more time in the office than on the couch with you, taking a long time to respond to texts (and with short replies) when they’re usually super talkative, or not getting through until halfway through. days (if any) when they are usually a “Good morning, beautiful!” type.
Necessarily trying to end your relationship or keep a secret from you, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. It just needs some space to think…
I hope I can give you a simple, straight to the point. But like most things in life, it’s not that simple.
Sometimes your significant other’s sudden distancing can be a side effect of things escalating at work, says Spector. They may not be good at juggling priorities, and since work often seems like a more pressing demand (hey, they might get fired), they may spend more time and energy going to the office.
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Other times, however, your partner wants some distance to gain some perspective on the relationship. (Deep breath…)
If a relationship, especially a new one or a rebound one, is moving faster (regular sleep, talking all day) than your partner expected, it makes sense for them to take a step back to determine if the connection is worth continuing. “It doesn’t necessarily mean they want to break up,” assures Spector. They just need a breather to decide if they’re really ready to commit – because going out with someone can be intense.
Maybe they’re worried that you’re more invested in the relationship than they are, or that you’ve started putting them in your future before you’ve gotten to know each other in a deep, 360-degree way. (This can make others feel like you’re less interested in who they are as a person and more interested in having a partner now.)
Or maybe you’re just taking the next step—like meeting each other’s families or moving in together—and they’re not sure they’re ready to do that with you.
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It may seem scary—and it feels bad—but trust me: you want them to take this time sooner rather than later. No one deserves a relationship with someone who isn’t completely and 100 percent sure they want to be with them. (Remember that, always.)
Of course, people can still pull away even in long-term relationships. For some, “distance is a way of dealing with conflict,” says Spector. Your partner may withdraw from you and the relationship after an argument, until you both cool down.
Of course, waiting for “the storm to pass” is not the ideal way to deal with problems, but sometimes people need space to gain perspective. If their withdrawal helps them come back with a level of understanding and self-awareness that helps you both bounce back from disagreements, great.
If it’s a way of avoiding ongoing problems—or worse, not acknowledging the parts of your relationship that are truly shaky—you may need to talk about healthier ways to handle conflict.
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PS In case you’re wondering, men can move away just as often as women, notes Spector. As intimacy ebbs and flows, partners continue to be drawn closer together and further apart regardless of gender identity.
You might want to whip out the proverbial handcuffs and keep your partner as close to your side as possible, but the more you can try to reel them in, the more you can actually push them away. So first, here’s what not to do:
“Give your partner some space,” says Spector. By overwhelming them with incessant questions, calls, or texts while they decide how they feel about the relationship, how best to balance their priorities, or try to cool off after an argument, you’re likely to add to their stress and. make them want to talk to you instead
Remember: If someone wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them, they have to decide in their own time. A relationship where someone feels compelled to stay cannot heal — and you don’t want someone who doesn’t know if they want you. (In the name of self-love, girl!)
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“You have a life before your relationship,” says Spector—so go out and live it. Call your friends over for a drink or go to a yoga class (or both). Just because your partner needs some time and space doesn’t mean your personal life has to come to a screeching halt, nor does it mean you have to wait for your partner to make a decision.
Keep doing you, and if you’re still invested in the relationship once your partner has collected their thoughts, you can focus on taking the right steps to get back on track.
If you have a hard time doing that, remember this: There is nothing more rewarding to another person than seeing them live and love life despite the hardships (or just plain annoying B.S.) they may face. It proves that you have real potential as a trusted colleague for life.
While respecting your partner’s needs, there are a few things you can do to gain clarity:
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There’s no harm in checking in with your partner—it’s only natural that a sudden change in your relationship will make you anxious, says Spector. If you used to see each other at least four times a week and are suddenly down to one, ask. Try: “Is everything okay? I’ve noticed you’ve been withdrawn lately.”
This doesn’t guarantee you’ll get a straight answer, but if you do and your partner tells you they’ve struggled with how fast the relationship has moved or they’re not sure they can devote as much time to the relationship. again, tell them it’s something the two of you should discuss when they’re ready. Then, when it comes to them, give them the space and time they need.
If they say everything is fine and dismiss you, try not to push and push. Let them come in their own time… and if they don’t—or at least not in a time frame that suits you—consider whether they’re someone who deserves the attention and commitment you’re selflessly giving. You should look out for yourself too.
Even if you know why your partner is withdrawing, you may not feel better about their absence. So when you’re both ready to talk about it, tell them how their distance makes you feel — not to blame them, but to help you both decide on better ways to express when you need some alone time. From there, Spector says you’ll be able to hash out the issues that lead to your partner’s need for distance.
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You may find that you are not on the same page emotionally, you see the relationship happening in a different place, or you are not willing to devote the same amount of time and energy to the relationship. (All things are better known sooner rather than later.) Then you have to decide where you stand: Are you both willing to resolve the argument as soon as it happens? Making an extra effort to socialize during the crazy work week?
Compromises can leave one or both of you feeling unfulfilled in the relationship – which will most likely lead to a breakup, anyway. (Sorry.) So make sure this sacrifice is something you’re truly willing to make for the long-term happiness of your relationship—if not, the next tip is for you…
Again, healthy space. You may not get what you want, but it allows you to both take stock of the relationship and face the fact that your expectations or desires may no longer be aligned.
Distance, whether you call it or not, is how you and your partner can find out if the two of you are still a good fit. If you find that you don’t, it’s time
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Aryelle Siclait is an editor at Women’s Health there
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